Last week, I was scheduled to serve in the LBA ministry. In my years of serving in worship for
cell, a small assembly, big church, small church, on stage, off stage or
concert – this experience will prove to be my most challenging. Why? Allow me
to rewind the years to 1997.
-1997-
I was brought up: in a “city” called Miri, Sarawak; a second
generation Christian and predominantly English speaking with English
influences. Because English is the only language I know, I was tossed into the
deep end and I ended up in SMB Chung Hua, a Chinese high school. Teens being
teens, I was mocked for being a ‘’banana’’ (which to this day I insist that it
is a derogatory term) and excluded in conversations because well, I don’t
understand anything anyways. There were of course kind schoolmates who wouldn’t
participate in all of that but whether it’s a kind a schoolmate or relatives, I
will always get a pitiful look. Well, I’m sure everybody goes through that in
one form or the other but ...
In my case, at that time, devoid of any personal conviction
of God, coupled with my background, these incidences only drove my identity
crisis, my need of acceptance, my shame and my confusion of my race, even
deeper. Consequently, I fuelled my anger and rage towards the Chinese race as a
whole. I built walls in me that can rival the Great Wall of China and vowed to
never be hurt or ridiculed by any man. I allocated all efforts into perfecting
the spoken English language. In my immaturity and pride, I decided to defend
myself by either putting down anyone and everyone who weren’t able to speak English
or by being by myself.
Thus, at the age of 19, began my beautiful journey of
healing with God. I found His still small voice in university that flipped my
life forevermore – a life of meaning.
-2009-
As I grew closer to God, moved back to Malaysia and joined
SIBKL, the first ministry I looked for was the worship ministry. As I missed the auditions for the worship
team 2 years ago, I was searching for a ministry to serve in. I found BLESS and
someone led me to a cell group that visits the Kenosis home once in three
months. I went and found out that everybody there has a big heart and loves God
– Awesome! However, it was all in Mandarin or Cantonese. So, I left it at that and waited for the next
audition! I bumped fist with God and said, “I’d really love to serve you
through worship and will give it my best. If at any time, I fail to do so, I
know you’ll be right there nudging me along. If I ever get a big head, I know
you’ll be right there nudging me down!”
-2013-
Serving in worship team has been absolutely incredible till
3 weeks ago when Elssy sent out songs for my first LBA assignment. Everything
is great till I realized that the songs were in mandarin! I found myself back
in the ministry I left. Yes, my life flashed before my eyes, my fears and
insecurities took over, I immediately wrote an email of re-consideration (Ah,
the Jonah in us) but with much kicking and screaming, I exhaled and said
‘challenge accepted!’ The Lord is a gracious God and that particular LBA was
cancelled. J
But of course, I was scheduled for another (9th
March). :P This time, I had time to absorb the reality of the situation. I
shamefully admit that my flesh kicked in and I thought of giving a lame excuse,
or tried to schedule work or whatever silly thoughts I can come up with. (I
know you all can resonate with me. :P) However, in the midst of the week, the
Lord reminded me of my commitment – Give my best!
God: “Isaac,
is this the right way to think? Is this any sort of example you should be
setting? Is this giving me your best? Is this being a living sacrifice?”
Isaac: “But,
people will laugh at me. Why choose me? I am not even close to being the right
person for this job? (Ah, the Moses in us)”
God: “You can
do all things through me who gives you strength!”
Amen!
I decided that worshipping God in Mandarin would be part and
parcel of my healing process. May the world look at a pure English speaker like
me, worshipping in Mandarin and they will have no other choice but to say, ‘’It
is only through God, Praise be to His holy name.” I decided that I am going to
let God be my guide and not tell God what I want to do. I decided that my God
is bigger than the lies I have been living with.
As I watched the people singing with their hearts in Mandarin,
as I see what God has done in their lives, as I sat there hearing the pastor
preach in Cantonese, I had only one thought, ‘’Oh how I wish I am multi
lingual. Oh how great it is if I can pray with them,
strike a conversation with them, ask to hear their testimonies, tell them about
my testimony or just bless them.’’ I have wasted years dwelling in my
bitterness and anger but with God, it is never too late – With God, I can do
anything!
What is the one thing I’ve learnt from all this?
If there’s
someone to change, it is always me.
If there’s
someone who can change me, it is always and only – God.
Psalms
139:23-24 – Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my
thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way
everlasting.
By Isaac Ling
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